Not-so-Super Markets
I went to the Supermarket today. Head heavy with a stinking cold, I managed to drag myself out to face the masses. I ensured that I sharpened my elbows before arriving in preparation for the hoardes of christmas shoppers. Little did I expect the ordeal that befell me. Why is it that people seem to forget that there is anyone else in the shop?
Ten things not to do:
1. Leave trolleys in the middle of aisles whilst you wander off gathering goods. Push it to one side for goodness sake!
2. Let children push trolleys! The damn things are difficult enough to steer without letting children do it in a shop busier than a hive of bees in Spring!
3. Stop, leaving your trolleys nose to nose, to chat in the middle of aisles! As before, stand to one side!
4. Refuse to move when people say 'excuse me' when you are standing in a stupid place.
5. Take along in excess of £87.50 of coupons, all in denominations no larger than £1 and make the entire shop wait whilst your cashier scans them one by one to see if they apply. THEN, stop for a chat with her about mince pies!
6. Push people out of the way using your hands, basket, trolley or walking stick, when they may be about to pick up the last item on the shelf.
7. Box people in to ensure you are next to the front. If you don't let someone back from the shelf, you will not get there. Stand back, give people some room!
8. Drive the wrong way around the car park. Arrows are not confusing, they point in the right direction to help you out!
9. Leave your trolley in the middle of the car park as you are too lazy to take it to a trolley shed thing.
10. Stack your trolleys in the shed thing so that they snake their way out across three car parking spaces as you are too lazy to take it to the empty one in the next aisle of spaces.
I could continue. My visit to the supermarket was a trauma today, I think I experienced mild trolley rage.
Ten ways to deal with trolley rage:
1. Move everyone's trolleys to a different place if they are left in the middle of aisles. I mean a totally different place. Then watch as they try to find it.
2. Put all of the remaining salsa dips in your own trolley when someone has tried to race you to it, then place the ones you don't want elsewhere after.
3. Mutter under your breath a lot, adding a few expletives in extreme cases.
4. Sigh, huff and puff
5. Cough loudly and heavily, perhaps adding a sneeze, if you need some space, make it a good hacking one and watch them fly away from you!
6. Push people's trolleys out of the way if they refuse to move for you when you politely ask them to.
7. Take deep breaths
8. Buy alcohol and think about drinking it later.
9. Kick the persons walking stick, or perhaps ram them with your trolley when they have shoved/hit you with it for a second/third time (untested, although considered often)
10. Stand in the middle of the shop shouting 'What is wrong with you people?!' burst into tears and collapse into a small heap on the floor (again untested but close)